That insidious thief
Stealing courage from your heart.
Why fear failure so when
Standing again is possible,
Learning more is possible,
A dream to dare? Possible!
No pathway exists in which there is no obstacle to overcome.
Tempt fate and climb.
What is there to lose?
Existing within an imperfect world
Attempting to effectuate change in our own behavior
Choosing the brighter path in ourselves
Entreating with love because hate never gets us anywhere.
I go through life
With it swinging there
Hanging on a string,
One good blow and
It’s fraying from between.
When the wind whistles and it starts to sway,
I watch with fear-filled eyes
Because sometimes hope is all I have
Yet somehow, it remains.
No one responsible for it
Save I, alone
I almost wish that it would fall so I could breathe
Until I piece it back together or another takes its place.
This eternal vigil
Worth it for those few that float
Tethered to my heart
Pulling me towards destinations
Helping me find joy in the journey.
June 16, 2016
My version of ‘breaking’ the internet? Hitting the refresh button on my near-obsolete technology. System crash followed by a twenty-minute wait after rebooting? Yeah, sounds about right.
There is only today,
There is no more,
But along comes a day just like the day before.
A little voice whispers-maybe now,
but always seems to struggle not to be drowned out.
Like ‘patience on a monument’
you sit there Shakespeare clever, but still it drags on never changing
for the better.
What is that in this bland monotony?
A treadmill of anxiety that goes on and on forever.
Where’s the light at the end of the blankety-blank tunnel?
I’m tired of waiting
Maybe it’s time to move to greet the future
I’m not a statue after all.
My favored, yet false, delusion that a superhero or heroes will appear to do my dishes, my yard work, my laundry, my vehicle maintenance, and sundry chores before locking the door on their way out so I can take a nap.
My heart is full of broken things
And broken things can’t fly
But like Icarus before wax-melted wings
with yearning upcast eyes
I must cast off my fear-bound strings
If I’m to touch the sky.
I swear, you try to do something nice for somebody…
So the never ending battle with S.h.o.d. moved into the bathroom over the winter. First I fixed the cartridge in my shower (disintegrating o-ring equals a leaky faucet handle) and then it got even with me yesterday by helping me fall out of it. Casualties were minor; bruised limbs and pride, and a traumatized towel bar, but my morale is a little low.
I keep trying, though, and I have learned a great deal in the process of caring for my home. Not just about how to fix things, but about myself, and why creating a place to belong is important to me. My home, difficult as it likes to be, serves as shelter from bad days and disappointments. It becomes a place I retreat to for dreaming, resting, and gathering together loved ones and memories.
It may not be easy some days, but it’s a place of learning too. And a place of failure. Sometimes I need help with projects beyond my ability. I know myself better from the experience of owning a home. There is a sense of accomplishment in the management of my household when I get it right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still looking forward to a time when S.h.o.d is more about maintenance and less about attempted maiming but I am a more competent person for my experiences.
I guess I should get started on fixing the towel bar…
Say it really fast and it sounds like behind! Words. I’m just playing around with words like I do occasionally. I love them as much as always. Soon the year 2015 will be behind us, and as my posts have increased so has the feeling that I have finally settled into a purpose for my life that makes sense for me.
My calling. My pace. My happiness in my own skin. It’s a good feeling. It doesn’t always stick around long, but I regularly feel peace about this and I know that means I am heading down the right path.
Thanks to my readers, however you found me, for coming on the journey with me. I’m certain next year will be full of new adventures. I have a writing project close to completion so I am excited for that…and there is always S.h.o.d. (nothing like fixing a leaky shower on New Year’s Eve to give me an idea for a project post.)
Of course, I could randomly disappear for a month or two as well. You never know with me, but I guess that’s where the ‘my pace’ part of the equation comes in. Sorry for being capricious.
I seem to complete my goals/resolutions a little late, but I find I do actually finish a surprising number of them, so I keep making them and checking things off-even years later. Sometimes making the effort is enough for me. I keep trying. I hope you do too.
May you greet the next year with purpose. Write the words you are meant to write. Read. Dream your dreams…and I will do the same.
Happy New Year!
December 28, 2015
Resolutions…I made some of those at the beginning of this year. Hmm…I should probably get on that.