The letter read thus:
It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you this: I am no longer available. Upon finding out you weren’t actually short and hairy my
dad ex-husband became extremely jealous (and lovey-dovey) and we are trying to make it work. My children are disappointed they never managed to get tickets to know you, but I’m sure you will make someone a lovely companion as you have many admirers all over the world. Please don’t bother ringing me as I will be otherwise engaged. Of course I will still follow your excellent work as an actor, especially in The Hobbit, once Mum lets me off the hook as it looks brilliant.
Your Fan, the Attractive Middle-aged Mother of Two
“Are you sure this is a good idea? You know what Mum did to us last time. I don’t think this is what she meant when she told us to ‘fix it or I’ll fix you’,” the younger boy’s voice was very worried.
“Of course it’s a good idea,” his brother boasted. “Dad says women write these kinds of letters to let a bloke down gently and an open letter on the internet gets read by everyone. I’m sure she’ll forgive us just as soon as we can get all those dodgy men pretending to be Richard Armitage to clear off and stop calling.”
“Well, alright. Can I click the mouse this time?”
(After reading this online British GQ article by Oliver Franklin, I felt a little bit guilty – just a little – for my own contribution to the perception of Richard Armitage as being ‘short and hairy’. It was all in good fun, of course, but it inspired the idea for a conclusion to my other post Desperately Seeking Richard Armitage. The accent is probably still bad and the little boys are still bad (adorably so) but I hope you enjoy this second (and final) addition. In my mind, this little imaginary family ends up going to see The Hobbit together and I can’t help but think, that while he’ll probably never read this, Richard Armitage would be happy about that.)