Where was I? Oh yeah, that’s right, my terrible psychic ability. The great day I had been anticipating as I set off for the interstellar transportation hub started going downhill as soon as I got there. I ran into Phil. Phil is my nemesis. He’s my unethical competition who takes delight in tormenting me. He follows me around the universe hoping I’ll lead him to the next uninhabited planet so that he can return before me and cheat me out of the commission. I spend most of my time avoiding him so he doesn’t get the jump on me.
Part of the reason I was excited about my new navigation system was because it contains a false star map to throw off my competition, but this was a new feature, and this is where my problems really got started. I entered the false map into the navigation and then entered the real one which was supposed to activate once the teleport machine started breaking up my physical structure to move me through space. The navigation system went buggy, though, and ended up combining both charts and I ended up in a desolate, dry landscape on the planet Earth.
She says it was her flower garden, but I have serious doubts that could possibly be true, or that I could have wreaked any more destruction on the sad brown patch of lawn and weeds that greeted me when I rematerialized in her parched backyard than was already there.
I will admit I gave her a scare. That quickly faded into annoyance, though, once she saw my face, and she lectured me for interrupting her ‘process’. Whatever that means. She then had the nerve to mention me and Phil on this thing she calls a ‘blog’. Whatever that is. She told me not to worry about it, though, because her followers seem like nice people and she’s not sure how many of them believe in alien life forms anyway. She called it a ‘literary device’ to increase understanding of the metaphor she was creating. I’m not really sure what any of that means. I think maybe it’s some form of physics? Or she’s crazy? She does talk about her house like it’s alive so I’m not really sure.
Phil, of course, followed me to Earth because my transporter navigation malfunctioned, and he landed on something called tomato plants so she got really mad and sprayed him down with this tube apparatus that shoots out water. He was covered in red pulpy juice, and she told him if he ever followed me again she would hunt him down and make him pay. He hasn’t followed me since because he likes his money too much to risk losing it. She also gave me a chance to clear my name on this ‘blog’ thing so I guess she’s not so bad. Thinking about it now, it ended up being a pretty good day after all.